Love ≠ Lust

Wow, you know what, yesterday I just heard a breaking news from my friend through Friendster that a previous classmate of mine in my old school in Bali had just got impregnated by her boyfren.

Wakakakkkakaakaka!!!!!!!! Upon reading the FS message, I just burst out laughing...


So mean... Am I that mean, laughing at her suffering? Not really, considering that I'm actually laughing at the possibility of that impregnate girl of even having a boyfren. The fact that she had got a boyfren itself simply surprised me. She is a total failure in everything, horrible in appearance, weak in academic subjects & sports, and she also have a very annoying attitude which everyone in my class that time used to hate. In fact, none of my schoolmates have ever befriended her, particularly bcoz of her bad attitudes toward other ppl... If she were the only girl left on earth, I'd rather turn into a gay and marry a man instead. It's such an amazing thing that she has a boyfriend who would ever make her pregnant.. Hahaha..... ^o^

Now let us discuss the topic in a more serious viewpoint, and jokes aside, pls.

That girl is actually the fourth person I'd known who has had a pre-marital sex. The remaining 2 cases are my seniors in my old school in Jkt. Now according to my observation, pre-marital sex happen more in Bali than in Jkt, probably attributed to the local govt's activeness in promoting sex education in schools and public. But this observation is not of my main concern.

In fact, sex education should not be of our main concern if we want to reduce the number of pre-marital sex sharply. Neither do pills, condom, etc. Why? Instead of concerning more on holding more sex education talks and seminars, shouldn't we actually concern more on the teaching of ethics? Really, regardless of whether one is religious or not, one should not base anything that is "good" or "bad" by referring to one's self. One should actually refer more on the holy books like the Bible, Quran, Veda, etc.

What I have seen now is the fact that the reduce in teaching of ethics attributed to the increasing secularism in today's society. Now this secularism is actually a good thing as it promotes freedom of expression and other liberal American lifestyle (sorry for being a bit biased here!). But the thing is that secularism automatically invokes pragmatism in each individuals who apply it, causing more and more ppl nowadays adapt practical solutions to all aspects of their life.

Thus, when the question of ethics is asked, ppl refer to themselves rather than God. God now has automatically become the "most forgotten Person of the decade". Since ppl ask their own selves of what is right or wrong, each induviduals hence may have different perceptives of what is morally acceptable and what is not.

Let's get back to the main topic, as I don't wanna dive too deep into the ethics philosophy.

I actually wanna discuss more on the meaning of love. For Christians and Muslims alike, it is a common teaching that LOVE ≠ LUST. However, teenagers nowadays simply ignore this message and get used to apply LUST in their LOVE relationships.

Now if you are a guy, applying LUST is not a bad thing after all. You get sexually satisfied, you can still use condom, and Whoops!! Even if you fail to protect the conceiving from happening, you can choose either to abort the baby or let the baby live.

Since Abortion=Murder, it's simply morally right to let the baby live, right?


You should not have sex with your girlfriend in the first place. Both of you are under 20, unmarried, not financially independent, and still in a need of education in the university.

As a guy myself, I'm not being a hypocrite or a Pastor wannabe here by advising other guys out there of how they should behave. I'm simply giving my own piece of mind of what I, a rational guy, think what love really means for me.

Love is pure. Love is divine. And love requires sacrifice.

Now if you as a guy risk having a baby by having sex with a girl, don't you see that it's actually the girl who has to sacrifice a lot for you?

The girl may think that she sacrifices herself for your LOVE. But the fact remains that she actually sacrifices herself for your LUST. Think of all the pains the girl have to bear if she gets pregnant: "carrying" a big stomach everywhere, restricted from freedom to avoid friend's mockery, gets embarrased when walking past neighbours. Worse still, whatever result you as the "father" choose, she will suffer much, much more than you anyway.

If you as an irresponsible "father" choose to abort the baby, you may not feel the guilt, but the girl as the one who has been carrying the foetus in her womb surely has a motherly instinct to feel guilty. In fact, all girls who abort their own babies do live with the guilt of the unborn baby, even after years past by. In extreme cases, the guilt may even lead to suicides.

On the other hand, if you as a "responsible father" (mind the apostrophes, pls!) choose to let the baby live, your girlfren still have to suffer more anyway. She may have to quit school, has to attend the baby for hours, milk the baby, while your responsibility is simply limited to providing both her and the baby money to live on.

In conclusion, for any guys out there who is reading this blog now, if you think that Love ≠ Lust, I ask you strongly to reconsider it. I'm not asking you to learn ethics, even if you're a free thinker. But the thing is; if you really love that girl you're in relationship with right now, can you ask yourself to restrain yourself from having sex before you're married? Sex is actually a expression of love purity, but it becomes so if you do it after you're legally married.

What do you think, then? The choice....... is yours.


Going to Expo twice on 2 consecutive days...

Today’s Sunday… The last 2 days have been spent w/o studying at all for the prelims. Particularly bcoz during those days, I went to the far-faraway Expo for 2 different reasons.

On Friday, I went to Bugis together with Julz, Steven, Dana, and Bagus to take our plane tickets (back to Jkt) in Muhibbah travel agent. My ticket figure is $221 while the others are around $377.Why? Mine is a 1-way ticket, while the others are 2-way.

When we reach Muhibbah, for a while, my mind was filled w/ doubt whether I really was going to take a 1-way ticket or not. At that time, the images of me continuing my education in Sgp, joining the IB orientation, seeing myself wearing IB ties, going to different classes together w/ IB girls, joining the Drama club, getting more active in church, geting to know many more female frenz here....

What an imagination, I think.

What an imagination.

Oh, what an imagination

Well, Toshi, there's no turning back if you pay the ticket now. You are going to America anyway, I said to myself.

I sighed.

The $230 held ready in hand to be paid was felt frozen like the chilling ice. If my frenz weren’t there, I would've shed tears when I finally handed in the money. I simply made done w/ sobbing quietly inside my heart. Being separated really is painful..

But Toshi get done with it, pls…


OK, OK… Realising that I pay a different amount of money, Dana asked me why I pay much less than the others.

I smiled, and answered that mine is a 1-way ticket.

He then asked, Why?

I pretended to think for a while, as if I was looking for a good answer, throwing my smile to Julian. He also smiled, having fully understood what my smile meant.

I explained to Dana that I’m going to continue my education in USA due to a secret reason I couldn’t reveal to anyone else right then.

Which part of USA? And what secret reason are you talking abt?, Steven joined the conversation and had his curiosity aroused.

I dunno which part of USA yet. And the secret reason is only held by my closest ppl and couldn’t be disclosed to a lot of ppl yet. But I promised them to reveal the secret on the day of our flight back to Jkt.

Anyway, bye bye to Singapore… I really don’t wanna leave this place, Man, but no choice la, as I have a better preference given..

After going to Muhibbah, we decided to proceed to ComEx in Singapore expo. All those IT fair thingy offered me alluring choices of electronic items to buy… But I decided to pass. I ain’t got enough money, Man, esp. after I just bought an HDD from a friend.

The MRT “journey” back and forth to Expo from Dover MRT is really damned far-faraway….. 1 hour each. So 2 hours in total. Dammit…. We had to stand some more…

On the next day, Saturday, I went back to Expo again to go to City Harvest Church with my juniors. Going only w/ my juniors gave me quite an uncomfortable feeling, esp. since I’m not close to them in the first place. Daniel was supposed to come too, but he wasn’t feeling well that time and decided to just pass and apologized to me for being unable to come w/ me. OK la… When I reach the place, I was surprised at how small the place is now, in comparison with the old one in Jurong West. Then from Pastor Kong’s sermon I found out that it is actually a temporary location for worship, as they’re preparing a new and much bigger building for worship. OK la…

Oh ya, the sermon yesterday was anyway very relevant to my current problems, which is abt debt... The sermons delivered in CHC are usually relevant to current life issues anyway...

If I hadn't gone to CHC that day, I would've asked for a larger debt from my frenz in order to afford buying a new MP3 player in Comex. Thank God, my plan to owe ppl more money was cancelled. In fact, Pastor Kong told us that we must cancel our debts as to live free from pain. You know, all those suggestions of using debit card instead of credit card and stuff....


Tuesday, 29 August 2006

I just finished watching Kimi ga Nozomu Eien last nite and oh… how sad (yet happy) the ending of the story is! If you love romance animes, then this one should be put on your must-watch list. Just like the way Korean drama “Sad Love Story” ending turn out unexpectably tragic, KgNE also turn out very unexpectably happy yet sad. Ah, just check out for the review yourself, lar…

Having finished the first 2 prelim papers and ugh… I screwed up in the English I! Really, doing the section 2 was completely OK, but somehow I didn’t manage to use any of my English proficiency (red: I’m not boasting!) and use verbosity in section 1… The topic itself which I’d chosen, “Fame”, is very general and wide in scope and could’ve easily get hasty sweeping statements of mine… Hopefully my subjective opinions in that narrative-argumentative essay will be well accepted by the examiner!

Wait a sec, Toshi…. You wrote a narrative-argumentative essay? What on earth do you mean by such a type of essay?



It’s a combination of both narrative and argumentative formats of an essay. You know, when you get to pour in your arguments into an essay but more from a first PoV… So, you use the word “I” a lot, instead of “it seems….”.

For example, there are sentences which I could’ve written as:

“According to a survey conducted by The Strait Times lately…”

I wrote as:

“According to a survey I read in The Strait Times lately…”

Informal? I don’t think so. It’s simply like telling a story about your opinions on social matters more freely…

Are you sure it’s OK?

Of course, why should it not? It’s well damned OK, FYI, and I got quite a high mark of 19/30 using the same format last MYE (though I’m not confident enough I’ll get around the same project this time round). I have never read any of the English essay guideline books or similar stuff, as for me it’s simply a waste of time only. I’ve thrown away my books of “Writing Argumentative Essays” or “Sec 3 & Sec 4 O-Level Model Compositions”, as I don’t actually like to be confined to rules when I am expressing myself (thru any media, not only in an essay).

Now you know how liberal (and maybe rebellious) my inner spirit is! Though a Japanese façade is shown outside by my bold expression of love for Japan (with my phrases “Tadaima” and “Itadakimasu” being said when I enter my room and start eating respectively, and with my habit of having Yukata as daily wearing), there is still a true blue Democratic American eagle residing inside my heart! This feeling of nationalism towards my beloved country of America urges (and pulls) me to be free in any aspects of life

I don’t like, and I don’t give a damn at all, to any rules or regulations which I think are illogical or unnecessary. Now that’s an opinion of mine. You need not agree with it, but at least I respect the freedom of your expression if you have an opinion 180 degrees from mine.

For example, there are multiple of school rules which I have broken during my stay in ACS(I) which may have earned me a full-6-demerit-points if I got caught. But I always manage to escape them all somehow, lolz. I won’t mention any of those rule breaking activity here, as I dun treat this Blog as a Confession Box, esp. as this blog can be read by any of my schoolteachers. Thus, enough is said.

English I (Compre) and E-Maths I (no calculator) are coming tomorrow, and as usual, I dun reali giv a damn to both. No need to study for English lar, and I can simply manage to score a B for E-Maths as there is a time gap of 1 week+ to study for E-Maths paper II, during which I can study more and earn more marks.



No, no, no.. I’m not getting into a TLCH-like person (initial is given to protect identity)… You know what, this guy is somehow laughable at. He got an L1R5 of 24 for Sec 3 Mid-Year, 25 for Sec 3 Final Year, and 31 for Sec 4 Final Year, and yet he is still quite confident he can get an L1R5 of 10 for Prelims.

Then you ppl out there say to me, “When there is a will, nothing is impossible”

Bah, no need to quote the philosophers. TLCH is one admirable friend of mine who has a strong will, yet zero effort. Really, he is simply too idealistic, overconfident, and over-optimistic abt himself. He thought he had studied well, but still, during these prelim days I’ve caught him playing Runescape at times. Playing Runescape for me during these days is no big deal, as the Prelims will not have any crucial effect for me anyhow. But anyway, I have this so-called “concern” that he won’t make it to his target of ACJC (or even the previous RJC target!).

Man, I’m dying to buy an MP3 Player to replace my bulky-and-not-so-portable MP3 CD Player of mine. They’re quite expensive though. Sony Walkman 512MB and Panasonic 1GB cost the same price around $140… I’m confused in which one should I buy. I’m in love with Sony’s sleek and elegant design, but at the same time Panasonic’s double memory size tempts me more due to affordability.

What about Stanford’s offer of $100 SECOND-HAND Samsung?

That one?

Oh, forget it. I rejected it. Second-hand 512MB for $100? My budget is limited, you know. A rich guy like him selling a second-hand electronic item some more… No, thanks. My bargain of $80 instead was rejected. Then it’s certainly a no-go for both of us.


Love. Cinta. Ai suru.

Now is just a day away from the commencing of prelims, yet here I am feeling neither anxious nor depressed. Instead, I feel static. No, not ecstatic, and not lackadaisical too… My approach towards prelims may look like a lackadaisical one (as thought by my frenz Ford, Buana, Bagus, and some other ppl), but truly, they don’t actually understand me.

Nah, I’m not being lazy at this moment. Not at this particular moment in time. Why? This stagnant universe inside my mind had slower down all my attitudes and motivation towards life. I actually dunno how to provide reasons for my own questions.

Here is one of them. Just last night, I had a dream. A beautiful one. I dreamt that I was dating a girl, around my age, with an Oriental complexion, and somehow her appearance is very familiar to me. I cannot recall what she really looks like. But somehow, this dream gave me a joy: that joy I’ve been desiring for, which is, to love and to be loved by a soulmate. Oh, my innermost desire…. On that dream, I had a candlelight dinner and walk around the park under the moonlight and other stuff (no dirty stuff, mind you, I know very well the difference between love and lust). Gosh, how I really am deprived of love. No, it’s not abt particular girl to whom I’m infatuated right now. In fact, I’m infatuated to nobody right now, and that’s why when Buana queried me abt which girl I’m falling for right now, I just simply let him have a good time guessing whether it’s the old BC or the new LJ (initials are given to protect their identities here). Man, I’m just having fun by letting ppl see facades of mine w/o letting him realize my inner thoughts. I dun actually reali think that Buana can be my confidante for this query for love… Bcoz one day, when I asked him to share his thoughts abt what love reali means for him and other related stuff, I see how different his perspective is from mine. Therefore, Boon, if you read this Blog one day out there, harap maklum yah… ^ ^

Bah, if I think of it again, then I realize how useless it is for me to love a girl due to her looks. Of course, everybody knows how you must love a person not due to one’s looks but also to one’s personality, and I’m not going into that right now. But the thing is that my lack of love has been urging me to look for one. It’s not that I’m not being loved by my frenz or my parents… Indeed, love knows no distance. But then it’s a different type of love. You see, in BI (Bahasa Indonesia), parental-child love, inter-siblings love, or friendly-love, have the usage of the term Kasih. But for the love between soulmates, it uses the specific term of Cinta. Understood? Now it is this cinta I’m talking about. In Japanese, it’s the ai I’m looking for, not daisuki. Though my parents and sister are far away in Jakarta, I can feel their support and love to me. The same thing applies for my friends. I can feel that friendly-love shown by their care and concern. But the thing is……..Bah, never mind. I can’t actually describe it in words, but I’m sure anyone understands very well what I mean. This search for soulmate… Longing desire to be loved….

I understand how I have to let all these inner thoughts subside within me, just for a moment, so that I can focus for my first 4 papers this week (I dropped Chem, lolz). But then, I got this gumption that unless I pour in my thoughts to a piece of paper (i.e. Blog), I won’t be able to put it aside yet. Now that I’ve poured them in, I feel better. I guess now I just have to study SS and English Compo… Only 30 hours left to the first paper..

PS: I’ll talk abt love again, maybe next time. Btw, I’m watching anime “Kimi ga Nozomu Eien” right now, and it’s a beautiful story abt romance and friendship that really match my mood right now.



I juz finished watching anime Blood+ episode 3 by now, and by the way though I don’t really like mystery stories, I think the anime is quite good rite…

Just 2 days ago I finished watching the whole series of 15 episodes Full Metal Panic Fumoffu, and now I regret watching them for too fast.. This anime was damn good!!! Quite funny (only a little bit less funny than School Rumble), and the storyline, though filled in with slapsticks, is quite romantic. I like weird ‘chemistry’ between Sagara Soosuke and Chidori Kaname, esp. the one shown in episode 14, where there’s the flirting competition stuff… And then the Bonta-kun is damn cute! ^ ^

If you guys out there haven’t watch this Fumoffu anime, you better check it out! In the official website is said that there is a total of 17 episodes, and 2 of them, regretfully, are withdrawn from mass production due to the fact that the story is connected with current criminal cases in Japan.. How I regret such a decision… If only both the prequel and sequel of this movie (which are mecha-genre, in comparison with this romantic-comedy-genre Fumoffu) are that good also… Huhh…

Anyway, talking abt romantic comedy, I might wanna refer to the movie “She’s The Man” I watched last weekend… Based on 12th Nite (which I’ve been studying in my Lit class), all the light humour in the movie had lightened me up, esp. during this pre-preliminary-exam “Era of Great Depression”. Check it out!

Dunno why, juz before the prelims itself, I dun reali feel like studying. Instead of focusing onto what I’m having rite now, I’m much more concerned abt my future: where I am going to continue my higher education. Is it in Singapore? Is it in America? Or is it in…..(though I dun want it at all)…….Jakarta?

Thinking of the first possibility, I’d be very happy to be able to continue my 2-yrs-scholarship term here. If only I could do well academically… With my current ability, it’s very unlikely for me to enter any JC, let alone the possibility of going on with scholarship. Frankly though, I’m actually desperate to enter this new ACS(IB) which is adjacent to the sec school building now. I ruled out any possibility of entering any other JCs, bcos you’ll need to move to a new hostel, which furthermore means that I have to adapt to a new environment and also later have to take all the troubles to move my belongings to tat new hostel.

Then, there is also another obstacle: money matters. Well, people outside there who have never been bonded by any scholarship might say how I have gotten this 100% paid scholarship thing and I dun need to pay a single cent and stuff…… What a hogwash… It’s simply half the truth, man… The other half is that though your school fees and hostel fees are fully paid by MoE, they never cover up the expenses for overseas trips such as OEP, LDP which may oblige you to dig deep to your pockets until S$1000 or more!! Then, in the ACS(IB) frens around me say that you’ll have to pay yourself for the IB subjects book fee which has the figure until four-digits…. Ugh, even thinking of it makes me sick!!! If only I’m well-off financially….

Until last week, I have got only 2 choices in mind: If I were given a chance to continue scholarship, I’d choose to enter IB. But if I couldn’t enter IB, then I’ll definitely take off to America, where I’m supposed to be… I tell you, at that time my heart has a tendency of 60% opting for American school, and the other 40% for ACS(IB). However, the probability figure tells another story. I have 95% chance of going to America and 5% of entering IB (This is due to a secret which I won’t reveal in this blog due to confidentiality matters).

Wahh, if only I can enter IB….. Realistically, I can’t.

Then, last Friday, I heard this so-called ‘voice’ of my guardian angel:

You don’t belong here, Toshi. Your future is not to be pursued in Singapore. You better go back to America.

I did not reply to that voice, and he also stopped talking to me. Really, I tell you, I dunno how to reply. I think again afterwards, and then come up with an answer: it maybe right after all. I think my future doesn’t really belong here. If I look back in my 1.5 yrs of stay in Singapore now, I’ve both suffered and learned lessons of life at the same time. Singapore has become the training ground that prepares me for maturity, for me to get out of the comforts of childhood (or childish?) cocoon, so that I can be a butterfly in my adult years… Honestly, and frankly, I actually disliked (I dun wanna use the word “hate”) Singapore for quite a number of times for the past 1.5 yrs. But the past 1 mth, seeing that my stay in Singapore might end in a short while, I have reflected back and realized that…

Hey, why should you dislike Singapore? Is it bcoz of all the agony you’ve gotten here? Haven’t most of those agonies actually forged you into a better person? Look at yourself now. Look at how different you are from the “you” 18 mths ago, when you left Jakarta for Singapore. You should have expressed gratitude for Singapore, Thomas.


I should’ve done so.

Thank you, Singapore.

You know what, I think I actually might have developed love for this country after all. Hahahaha…… Love-hate relationship, huh? No lar, I’ve lost all the feelings of enmity for Singapore. I think now I love this country after all. The greenery, the transport, the airport, the blend-in of Asian cultures, the cleanliness of air pollution, the church ministry life…. If only I were a Singapore national.

But I’m not.

And I dun think I should be one. Though I love this country, I dun think I want to become a PR, or even a national of Singapore… I feel that I belong to another society that welcomes me more: Indonesia. And my true love will always be for America and Japan

Still, Singapore is, I tell you, a wonderful country. Really. I dun fall into the traps of Singapore Tourism Board slogan, neither am I promoting Singapore to you ppl who are reading this blog. But somehow, though I dun feel really at home here, I’ve treated Singapore as my home for 18 mths till now… I dun actually know why now I feel this sudden change of feeling towards Singapore. I’ve told my frens Buana and Stanford abt my sudden change of heart towards Singapore, and they are left wondering why I have this feeling now.

Anyway, let me say it again…

Thank you, Singapore.

PS: There is actually another special reason why now I love Singapore, but I dun wanna mention it here ^_^. You guess by yourself, judging from my psychological condition (duuhh!!!!!!) lately…


Freaked out

It’s 1 AM now, and here I am in my room doing nothing useful.. Simply bored of studying. Haven’t got enough preparation for the A-maths and Geog tests later though. Dammit, I’m really not ready for both tests! Ugh, I’ll reali get freaked out for the entire of this month and next month (due to the upcoming prelims). The prelims are near, and I’m not prepared at all for any subjects yet… Waaaa….. Gonna get mad soon..

I firstly took the i-don’t-give-a-damn approach, but as the prelims got nearer and nearer, and there are those ultimatums by Dr Ong to unregister those who dun do well for prelims, I do think that I may have to buck up to improve my grades in this prelim. My aggregate of 20+ last mid-year was simply abominable.. As I want to have 7 subjects on my prelim instead of 6 only, I need to reali work hard on my lowest-scored A-maths… Otherwise I’ll be forced to drop that subject..… Btw, wanna see how bad (or good) I’ve been last mid-year exams? Just highlight the text below (They are in white for confidentiality, again).

Comb Humanities: 66 (B3)

English: 62 (B4)

Higher Malay: 62 (B4)

E-Maths: secret!

Physics: still pass, lar…..

Literature: You shouldn’t know this one!

A-Maths: I dun think you should know this one either!

By now you must’ve noticed how I only have 1 science subject, which is Physics. Right, I do suck in Science, and I abhor this particular branch of knowledge. Firstly bcoz my flair isn’t there and secondly bcoz I put no interest at all in studying.

I don’t think you have interest at all in studying anything, Toshi..

You think so? Hmmm…. Think again. My flair is in language, and various ppl across the continent (Duuhh…) have told me how linguistic I am (attention: w/o any intention of being proud like the self-proclaiming-proud Mr Andrianto, OK!!).

OK, but you…


I’m tired now. Gotta sleep now...


Church visits

Waaaa….. Been unable to blog for days has made a nutz out of me… Got quite a lot I wanna write since last weekend.

Last Saturday, having the burning desire to have a change in atmosphere and mood, esp. due to the scar remaining from the Monday incident (refer to my previous 2 blogs), I came out w/ a plan to attend other churches in Sgp, esp. bcoz the only 3 churches I’ve attended are only Holy Cross, the cathedral in Orchard, and the old City Harvest in Boon Lay (the latter is Charismatic). Wanna try the new City Harvest Ch in Expo though, but haven’t been able to do so bcos of various circumstances. Later I try ask Daniel or Timothy abt goin there together la..

Anyway, the new church I attended last weekend was the St Mary of The Angels in Bukit Batok, and it was damn cooll!! I was struck w/ awe at the first sight of the building itself: the contemporary and futuristic style.. Wooo, I used to think that only Protestant churches can build such a church, but Catholic the fact is that Catholic could also prove me wrong. Guyz, if you’re used to think of the Catholic church in the usual old-fashioned orthodox-styled and Synagogue-like appearance, you’ll be proven wrong when you see St Mary’s Church. Juz hav a look on the hyperlink I’ve given you..

If there is one thing that makes me wonder though, is that there is sth wrong w/ the arrangement of the church’s altar. The allocation of the altar has made the priest and the altar table to be separated by a distance. Then there is also (I think) sth wrong w/ the way the seat for the priest is arranged. Usually in ordinary Catholic churches, we are used to have 3 or 4 seats on the altar. But what I noticed is that there was only one seat in that church’s altar. Maybe that’s the minus point of this church’s design.

But anyway apart from that, the entire building is laudable. I dun wanna criticize the church, thus I dun wanna comment much on it. There was also a chapel and piazza, and other stuff that you ppl better check out when you get there!

Wahh… Only 15 weeks left of my stay in Singapore. I’ll be leaving Singapore and gonna be back to Jkt soon... From now on I must visit all the 6 famous catholic churches (incl. Cathedral of Good Shepherd, St Francis, and Lady of Perpetual Succour) in Sgp to get different impression from each of them.. And also the new City Harvest in Expo… The much-talked-about titanium-walled exterior design arouses my curiosity, I reali wanna try attending that church too.. Doesn’t mean that I wanna “betray” Holy Cross though.. I’ll still come to that church occasionally when I’m not in the mood to go to those further churches.

Anyway, w/ me talking abt visiting churches more abt the architecture ppl must be thinking of me losing the meaning of going to church.. No, I tell you, that’s not true, guys! Of course I still remember that the true meaning of going to church is to attend the mass, have the eucharist, be constantly reminded of God and all those stuff, and I’ve never forgotten that. There’s simply nothing wrong in visiting various churches rite… I still read my NLT bible everyday. I’m simply not in the mood to write abt those theological-related stuff rite now.


An Inspirational Walk

Wooo…. What a fully-wasted week I’ve gone thru. I’ve been terribly depressed since the Monday incident, and though I dun get insomniac problems like usually, but still, my heart is deeply troubled inside. But oh whatever. Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be… Quoted from one of my fave Spanish songs (izzit?), I think I hav to apply this phrase to all the burdens I’m having rite now.

Wait a minute… All the burdens? Oh, I mean the only burden. Nah, I’m not that pressured bcoz of prelim.. I dun even really give a damn to it. If you read my previous blogs, you’ll know wat on earth is the burden I’m having now. It’s been lifted up actually, and now I see that there are strings attached to that particular burden still not untied of my fingers. Ugh… I juz need to get rid of any memories of it.

Ah, enough. I won’t talk abt her again frm now on..


How hag-ridden I am...

Man, what a day i've had during the last 2 days... being confirmed by the archbishop himself on Sunday evening, wooow.... i reali felt holy, man. I made a mistake though, bcos i didn't come to the half-day retreat which i'm supposed to attend.. firstly, i wasn't even sure in wat order or in wat way is the archbishop Chia going to bless me w/ the chrism oil. Then, being told by Mdm Irene from the church, i got to know that it's supposed to be done like the way u receive communion (u know, ppl queuing one by one to receive the bread by the priest/deacon). But anyway, the mistake i made was by not giving the confirmation card (which the confirmants hold when facing Fr Chia to show the Confirmation name and other stuff) to Fr Val when the blessing is done. Got reali embarrassed by that time, but it’s ok la.. Such a disappointment is that I got no pic taken during the blessing itself (it’s a rare event, Man!) which is supposed to be snapped by Julian. Only Julian and Tino attended the confirmation. I expected Ford to come also, but due to various circumstances, he was unable to attend (so mean….. hikz!). but it’s oK la, as in the end of the mass, I got to take a pic together w/ my godfather proxy (or rep), Mr J-Wong in front of the pews…

On Monday, I somehow felt the energy of vitality surrounding me. Dunno why, but I juz felt happy, w/o being able to explain the reason. Unfortunately, in the afternoon, my cheerfulness of the day turned 180º as I got deeply shocked to find out the most unexpected truth to happen. The IB yr 5 girl to whom I’m infatuated w/ (the one I’ve mentioned several times in tis blog), turned out to be in a relationship w/ a Mr Perfect. I found out directly from this Mr Perfect’s friendster acc. He is multi-talented, smart, good-looking, quite popular (esp. after also taking part in Haven show together w/ her)… This Mr Perfect is surely incomparable to me who is Mr Normal. Or maybe more accurately, I am Mr Nothing. They somehow look good together in the FS pics. Oh, wat the hell. Really, I’ve never seen her walking together w/ tis Mr Perfect, and neither do I have ever seen her being close to any other guys… Very unexpectable. Oh, wat the hell. Wat the hell, wat the hell………

I got numbed the whole 3 day afterwards (and now the scar is still not fully healed yet). I’m starting to change my daily habits. Some ppl suggested to fall for another girl (if only it’s that easy to forget her). I tell you the truth, it’s not that easy to forget such thing so easily. Instead of the gust of jealousy (I do admit that I feel jealous), I feel more the feeling of disappointment. Disappointment of how I’ve been hoping in vain for a girl of my dreams, to get to know her well personally, to build a relationship w/ her… Oh, how I pity myself for being such a pathetic guy. If love reali is tis painful, I’d rather not hav it at all.

Oh, crap.

Here is a piece of conversation I've had w/ my guardian angel soon after I found out abt that terrible truth (u know, we Christians believe that God has assigned guardian angel to those who believe in Him. Btw, tis guardian angel of mine can speak Singlish too..)

“You talk-talk-talk as if u understand wat’s the meaning of love, Thomas”, I heard a voice frm heaven speaking to me

"I do understand wat's the meaning of love", I replied

"reali? Love is sacrificial. Love is pure, love is divine, holy, it's not proud, it's not..."

I interrupted, "Yeah, yeah, yeah..... I've read that somewhere in the bible before. No need to preach to me la, i know evrything alreadi"

"OK, so is your love sacrificial? If that girl asked u to sacrifice ur life for her, would u do it?", my guardian angel queried me again.

"U dun need to ask to such extreme!"

"I'm simply testing your comprehension of the true meaning of love. Then, what's your answer?"

"I would. oh, I mean........ maybe. Ah, I dunno la. I'm not sure. Well, did I mention abt love?"

"U did. In fact, the way u describe ur jealousy, the way u lose ur motivation of life..."

"Oh no, I'm not jealous! Come on, cut it out la... I jus feel numbed, OK"

"Can u pls dun interrupt me when I'm speaking? That's impolite"


"By any means, U actually are jealous. U must admit it"


"You are...."


"Thomas, admit it...."

"Oh no, I'm not"


"okay, okay, okay, I am jealous.. So what? Should I admit all tis defeat and give up everything? I just...... I just..........." I started sobbing.

"No, Thomas, it's okay. You just need to differentiate clearly between what is called love and what is called infatuation. There is a fine line between both feelings, although it's a thin one. You juz need to recognise which one is which. You dun need to cry, Thomas. That's why I'm here with you today. God knew that how burdened you are, therefore I want you to know that I'm always here to help you"

I continued crying silently.

"You see, the feeling you've had for Be..."

"No mention of names, pls!", I bellowed.

"Oops. Sorry. I mean, the feeling you've had for her, is merely infatuation. If you see her in a relationship w/ another guy, you simply hav to realise that she's not yours. God has already destined for each humans, including you, a soulmate waiting to be your love one day (unless u dun wanna marry anyone, of course). It juz happen that it's the fact that she's not yours. Both of u may not be made for each other. She maybe is yours, but it's only in the best-case scenario: She got broken up w/ that so-called Mr Perfect, and get to know you personally and be friends with you, and ZAP!! The story goes on romantically like those in Korean dramas. But you know that such a possibility is very, very, slim"

"I know. What a good moral-booster", I said sarcastically.


I stared at him.

He continued, "Anyway, infatuation, in nature, is always ephemeral. You get attracted to a girl, although you may not reali know or like her personality... Infatuation is simply not eternal like the way love works. "

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. In fact, you'll be able to forget all this in a few days time"

"What if I can't?"

"Well, you just hav to make an effort for it. Do your best to put all tis behind, Thomas. Believe me"

"What should I do?"

"Get busy. Pick up new habits (and I mean good ones, not the bad ones) such as waking up early, do sports, and other kind of stuff"


The conversation ended w/ me having understood the meaning of love.

Howsoever, I still feel this sense of sth missing in my life dangling within me.. I juz feel that the scar can't simply be healed that easily somehow....


My Confirmation sacrament

I’m gonna get the Confirmation sacrament this evening (precisely at 6 o’clock). I have my own
CT, Mr Joseph Wong (aka. J-Wong) to represent my confirmation godfather. Originally, it should be my own uncle, Uncle Rymb, but since he’s in Indo, oh well, nvm la, juz hav tis teacher of mine (whom I also deem as a “spiritual father”) to represent him. I’m gonna wear white shirt and those same formal clothes adult usually wear for baptism, and getting confirmed by Archbishop Nicholas Chia, wah… I’ve never even seen anyone w/ a higher hierarchy than a priest w/ my own eyes before. Well, I’ve seen the Bishop of Bali, but that one was from far away and it was also in the conjunction of Baptism for converts.

The whole thing of tis Confirmation surely gonna make me feel holy, esp. w/ the blessing by Archbishop himself. Yes, I will feel holy, but I’m not sure whether I’ll be holier than before. The recent few weeks have been both fulfilling in spiritual experience and full of temptations to do sins. A lot of sin. Man, I do think that I have a close relationship w/ God (w/ all the answers He has given me for my prayers and novenas) but somehow, I feel like betraying Him for falling into temptation. A saint once said, “A million temptations does not make one small sin”. Temptations are an opportunity for virtue, such as shown in 1Corinthians 10:13: “the temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”, but the way I fall into the traps of evil makes me damned shameful of myself. I need not a million temptations. I only need at least two.

I did confession around last week to purify myself of sins so that they may be forgiven, but just as usual, I commit the hardest of The 7 Deadly Sins so easily again: LUST. By now it’s easy to see how I've disobeyed Jesus’ command on Mathew 5:29: “"You have heard the commandment that says, `You must not commit adultery. But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”. I easily commit the sin of Lust (I won’t elaborate on it, but anyone should’ve known what a teenager usually got to do with this sin) not long after I made the confession.

It’s ephemerally enjoyable yet regretful when it’s done. God, help me……

Waahh. Even the day before confirmation, I’ve committed that sin again. If I think after all, it’s of no wonder why my spiritual experience have been fluctuating recently. There’ve been ups and downs. Most of my prayers are answered, but two of them have not. Oh well, I’ll write more abt these unanswered prayers later on la..


World Class Haven Musical performance!!!


World-class performance.

World-class CPA.

The whole Haven performance was simply splendid, spectacular, and wonderful….. The storyline itself is somehow not very smoothly connected though (esp. between the climax and the ending). The ending was actually both laudable and a bit disappointing. It bears almost no connection to the previous scene, but it's also laudable in the way the decor was staged (w/ the choir behind the leaves veil being unveiled in the end). But I won’t comment very much on the drama plot. It has got enough criticisms already by ppl around..

I bought a booklet of the performance (for the Student’s Welfare thingy) and guess what, now I have a pic of her!!(refer to my previous blog if u dunno wat on earth am i talking abt) Man, how overjoyed I am today!! There are also photographs of the play being sold (specifically showing some of the drama members and also her), but I dun wanna buy any... How cheapskate.......

Hahah, not really. Anyway, ppl may start thinking abt me being a stalker and stuff, so I won't say anything more abt her then.

When the play begins and (almost) each scene is ended with a song sung by one/some of the actors/actresses, that's what really is unique frm tis show. Especially when the choir blends in (if i'm not wrong, they did it thrice). All the actors/actresses are talented in singing as well, especially the distinctively-beautiful voice of Felicia Goh (she reaches high notes very well w/o having to lose her voice). I had expected a good musical-based drama from the beginning (duh, of course la, that’s the main theme!), but I dun really expect it to resemble The Sound of Music very much. Man, the show really worth the money!

The anti-Japanese theme of the play, (the background is based on a Japanese Occupation in a Peranakan community) somehow, oddly, did not repulse a J-freak (or Japan aficionado) like me. It's enjoyable frm the very beginning, and that's why I dun really bother abt the main theme.

I actually noticed how there is actually a major glitch in the show which goes unnoticed for those who dunno of Japanese history. The decor used a lot of the current Japanese flag, which is actually not used yet in the setting of the story (it's based on year 1945). The flag of Japan w/ only red disc dot in the middle (Hinomaru) actually became commonplace and widely used only in the 1950s, as the original flag is the one w/ red disc dot and 16 rays extending from it. That original flag was used from the 1880s until the end of WWII (which means the usage ends at September 1945) and afterwards, it is turned into a naval ensign (i.e. u will only see the old flags nowadays hanging around only in Japanese military ships). Hopefully the ppl behind the Haven production notice this.

By the way, let me comment on the venue where it is held. Firstly I thought the venue refers to the old CPA, but as me and my friends proceed there and found nothing, I realised that it must be in a new CPA somewhere in the new building. The new CPA... World-class, Man! Cypress-like wall, theatre-like arrangement of seatings... Julian commented that if only a school in Indon can have this kind of CPA.. I agreed. I'll (literally) eat your shoes if any school in Indo can have such a similar CPA..

By now, the Sat nite performance (the last one) must have finished. 9 o'clock already. I also gtg now, Buana's gonna be back and use the laptop....


Haven performance is coming in 2 hrs time...

Been through quite a lot of complications arising in my young and still short-lived life, I felt the obligation (i.e. compulsion is a more practically correct term) to blog. Having nothing to do, just burned one MP3 CD, and dun feel like studying, and God says to me, “Why don’t you blog? You have long neglected it”

I answered, “OK, God”

Hahah.. No blaspheme intended, ok.. God has been my best pal since 2 mths ago. Ppl may say I’m a born-again Catholic then, as I’ve got three spiritual experience since early this year. Not gonna elaborate on it now though, I have no intention on writing a testimony or such theological-based-blog yet.

Anyway, the Haven Musical which is held as a part of Festival of Arts is coming in 2 hrs time…….. Can’t wait to watch the performance, Man!! All those singing and the Japanese occupation drama stuff… Ppl say it’s a spectacular performance. But I care less abt how cool the show is. What really arouses my curiosity is to see one of the Yr 5 girls who’s going to take part in the drama itself. Been infatuated for weeks to her, I felt very delighted to find out that she takes part in the drama (not as the main character though). Prob that’s the main reason I’m willing to spend $15 to buy the Haven ticket (again, I feel obliged to such waste. Should I call I a waste of money? Not unless I’m satisfied overall…). Lolz..

That IB yr 5 gal to whom I’m infatuated w/ rite now… This case really seems very hopeless. I like her so much, but it seems that she doesn’t know me, neither do I know her (personally). But I’ve got some important infos abt her though, such as her name, class, CCA, car, the time she comes to school, the time she usually go home, and some other trivial stuff. Anyone reading my blog may think that I’m such a stalker. But for God’s sake, no, I’m not! I got most of the infos not deliberately, as most of them came from unexpected sources. Not Friendster too… I looked for her FS account to no avail. Either she doesn’t have one, or she uses username w/ no connection to her real name. Anyway, I’m not gonna mention what I’ve found out abt her here, as tis blog may be read by anyone in my school… As I Dun wanna get any problems, let her remain anonymous. Waaaaa…. I really can’t wait till I see her on the Haven performance!!!

I’ll give a full report of the afternoon Haven performance as soon as the show is finished (around 4 PM)


Damned day

I'm now back in Singapore, blogging from the damned Changi Airport... Huh, I really shed tears when I left Jakarta this morning, precisely bcoz I have to leave the enjoyable Jakarta to finish my 2-year scholarship term in Singapore... Man, what a day!

Pls pray for my well-being this year... I'm a bit afraid of what I'm gonna face throughout this whole year... Esp. the O-levels!


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