How hag-ridden I am...
Man, what a day i've had during the last 2 days... being confirmed by the archbishop himself on Sunday evening, wooow.... i reali felt holy, man. I made a mistake though, bcos i didn't come to the half-day retreat which i'm supposed to attend.. firstly, i wasn't even sure in wat order or in wat way is the archbishop Chia going to bless me w/ the chrism oil. Then, being told by Mdm Irene from the church, i got to know that it's supposed to be done like the way u receive communion (u know, ppl queuing one by one to receive the bread by the priest/deacon). But anyway, the mistake i made was by not giving the confirmation card (which the confirmants hold when facing Fr Chia to show the Confirmation name and other stuff) to Fr Val when the blessing is done. Got reali embarrassed by that time, but it’s ok la.. Such a disappointment is that I got no pic taken during the blessing itself (it’s a rare event, Man!) which is supposed to be snapped by Julian. Only Julian and Tino attended the confirmation. I expected Ford to come also, but due to various circumstances, he was unable to attend (so mean….. hikz!). but it’s oK la, as in the end of the mass, I got to take a pic together w/ my godfather proxy (or rep), Mr J-Wong in front of the pews…
On Monday, I somehow felt the energy of vitality surrounding me. Dunno why, but I juz felt happy, w/o being able to explain the reason. Unfortunately, in the afternoon, my cheerfulness of the day turned 180º as I got deeply shocked to find out the most unexpected truth to happen. The IB yr 5 girl to whom I’m infatuated w/ (the one I’ve mentioned several times in tis blog), turned out to be in a relationship w/ a Mr Perfect. I found out directly from this Mr Perfect’s friendster acc. He is multi-talented, smart, good-looking, quite popular (esp. after also taking part in Haven show together w/ her)… This Mr Perfect is surely incomparable to me who is Mr Normal. Or maybe more accurately, I am Mr Nothing. They somehow look good together in the FS pics. Oh, wat the hell. Really, I’ve never seen her walking together w/ tis Mr Perfect, and neither do I have ever seen her being close to any other guys… Very unexpectable. Oh, wat the hell. Wat the hell, wat the hell………
I got numbed the whole 3 day afterwards (and now the scar is still not fully healed yet). I’m starting to change my daily habits. Some ppl suggested to fall for another girl (if only it’s that easy to forget her). I tell you the truth, it’s not that easy to forget such thing so easily. Instead of the gust of jealousy (I do admit that I feel jealous), I feel more the feeling of disappointment. Disappointment of how I’ve been hoping in vain for a girl of my dreams, to get to know her well personally, to build a relationship w/ her… Oh, how I pity myself for being such a pathetic guy. If love reali is tis painful, I’d rather not hav it at all.
Oh, crap.
Here is a piece of conversation I've had w/ my guardian angel soon after I found out abt that terrible truth (u know, we Christians believe that God has assigned guardian angel to those who believe in Him. Btw, tis guardian angel of mine can speak Singlish too..)
“You talk-talk-talk as if u understand wat’s the meaning of love, Thomas”, I heard a voice frm heaven speaking to me
"reali? Love is sacrificial. Love is pure, love is divine, holy, it's not proud, it's not..."
I interrupted, "Yeah, yeah, yeah..... I've read that somewhere in the bible before. No need to preach to me la, i know evrything alreadi"
"OK, so is your love sacrificial? If that girl asked u to sacrifice ur life for her, would u do it?", my guardian angel queried me again.
"U dun need to ask to such extreme!"
"I'm simply testing your comprehension of the true meaning of love. Then, what's your answer?"
"I would. oh, I mean........ maybe. Ah, I dunno la. I'm not sure. Well, did I mention abt love?"
"U did. In fact, the way u describe ur jealousy, the way u lose ur motivation of life..."
"Oh no, I'm not jealous! Come on, cut it out la... I jus feel numbed, OK"
"Can u pls dun interrupt me when I'm speaking? That's impolite"
"Sorry"
"By any means, U actually are jealous. U must admit it"
"No"
"You are...."
"No.."
"Thomas, admit it...."
"Oh no, I'm not"
"Thomas....."
"okay, okay, okay, I am jealous.. So what? Should I admit all tis defeat and give up everything? I just...... I just..........." I started sobbing.
"No, Thomas, it's okay. You just need to differentiate clearly between what is called love and what is called infatuation. There is a fine line between both feelings, although it's a thin one. You juz need to recognise which one is which. You dun need to cry, Thomas. That's why I'm here with you today. God knew that how burdened you are, therefore I want you to know that I'm always here to help you"
I continued crying silently.
"You see, the feeling you've had for Be..."
"No mention of names, pls!", I bellowed.
"Oops. Sorry. I mean, the feeling you've had for her, is merely infatuation. If you see her in a relationship w/ another guy, you simply hav to realise that she's not yours. God has already destined for each humans, including you, a soulmate waiting to be your love one day (unless u dun wanna marry anyone, of course). It juz happen that it's the fact that she's not yours. Both of u may not be made for each other. She maybe is yours, but it's only in the best-case scenario: She got broken up w/ that so-called Mr Perfect, and get to know you personally and be friends with you, and ZAP!! The story goes on romantically like those in Korean dramas. But you know that such a possibility is very, very, slim"
"I know. What a good moral-booster", I said sarcastically.
"Hahahaha..."
I stared at him.
He continued, "Anyway, infatuation, in nature, is always ephemeral. You get attracted to a girl, although you may not reali know or like her personality... Infatuation is simply not eternal like the way love works. "
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. In fact, you'll be able to forget all this in a few days time"
"What if I can't?"
"Well, you just hav to make an effort for it. Do your best to put all tis behind, Thomas. Believe me"
"What should I do?"
"Get busy. Pick up new habits (and I mean good ones, not the bad ones) such as waking up early, do sports, and other kind of stuff"
"Well...."
The conversation ended w/ me having understood the meaning of love.
Howsoever, I still feel this sense of sth missing in my life dangling within me.. I juz feel that the scar can't simply be healed that easily somehow....
