Love. Cinta. Ai suru.

Now is just a day away from the commencing of prelims, yet here I am feeling neither anxious nor depressed. Instead, I feel static. No, not ecstatic, and not lackadaisical too… My approach towards prelims may look like a lackadaisical one (as thought by my frenz Ford, Buana, Bagus, and some other ppl), but truly, they don’t actually understand me.

Nah, I’m not being lazy at this moment. Not at this particular moment in time. Why? This stagnant universe inside my mind had slower down all my attitudes and motivation towards life. I actually dunno how to provide reasons for my own questions.

Here is one of them. Just last night, I had a dream. A beautiful one. I dreamt that I was dating a girl, around my age, with an Oriental complexion, and somehow her appearance is very familiar to me. I cannot recall what she really looks like. But somehow, this dream gave me a joy: that joy I’ve been desiring for, which is, to love and to be loved by a soulmate. Oh, my innermost desire…. On that dream, I had a candlelight dinner and walk around the park under the moonlight and other stuff (no dirty stuff, mind you, I know very well the difference between love and lust). Gosh, how I really am deprived of love. No, it’s not abt particular girl to whom I’m infatuated right now. In fact, I’m infatuated to nobody right now, and that’s why when Buana queried me abt which girl I’m falling for right now, I just simply let him have a good time guessing whether it’s the old BC or the new LJ (initials are given to protect their identities here). Man, I’m just having fun by letting ppl see facades of mine w/o letting him realize my inner thoughts. I dun actually reali think that Buana can be my confidante for this query for love… Bcoz one day, when I asked him to share his thoughts abt what love reali means for him and other related stuff, I see how different his perspective is from mine. Therefore, Boon, if you read this Blog one day out there, harap maklum yah… ^ ^

Bah, if I think of it again, then I realize how useless it is for me to love a girl due to her looks. Of course, everybody knows how you must love a person not due to one’s looks but also to one’s personality, and I’m not going into that right now. But the thing is that my lack of love has been urging me to look for one. It’s not that I’m not being loved by my frenz or my parents… Indeed, love knows no distance. But then it’s a different type of love. You see, in BI (Bahasa Indonesia), parental-child love, inter-siblings love, or friendly-love, have the usage of the term Kasih. But for the love between soulmates, it uses the specific term of Cinta. Understood? Now it is this cinta I’m talking about. In Japanese, it’s the ai I’m looking for, not daisuki. Though my parents and sister are far away in Jakarta, I can feel their support and love to me. The same thing applies for my friends. I can feel that friendly-love shown by their care and concern. But the thing is……..Bah, never mind. I can’t actually describe it in words, but I’m sure anyone understands very well what I mean. This search for soulmate… Longing desire to be loved….

I understand how I have to let all these inner thoughts subside within me, just for a moment, so that I can focus for my first 4 papers this week (I dropped Chem, lolz). But then, I got this gumption that unless I pour in my thoughts to a piece of paper (i.e. Blog), I won’t be able to put it aside yet. Now that I’ve poured them in, I feel better. I guess now I just have to study SS and English Compo… Only 30 hours left to the first paper..

PS: I’ll talk abt love again, maybe next time. Btw, I’m watching anime “Kimi ga Nozomu Eien” right now, and it’s a beautiful story abt romance and friendship that really match my mood right now.

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