Recently I’ve been very-very-very busy. A lot of tasks were to be done, and even until now I still have some. This Geography test which was conducted today worried me a lot in the last 3 days. The test came out to be quite easy, fortunately. Hopefully I’ll get an A1 for this subject!! Hahaha… I don’t think so. Let me see what I’ve achieved overall so far in this term (the words are in white for confidentiality. Just highlight them):
H. Malay: 42/70 = 60% (C4)
Eng Language: 16/30 = 53.33% (D6)
Eng Literature: 15/25= 60% (C4)
Physics: 18/31 = 58% (C4)
Chemistry: 15/35 = 42.9% (E7)
Biology (dropped): 9/25 = 36% (F9, dun care, lolz)
Add Maths: 18/35 = 51.4% (C4)
Elem Maths: 11/25 = 44% (E7)
Social Studies: 12/18 = 66.7% (B3)
Geog El: not yet (possibly B3)
Wahh….. So pathetic. If I include Physics and the Geography estimation, I’ll get an L1R5 of…………………….. 26!!!!! Slightly higher (?) than my Mid-Year’s, which was 25. Oh My God, please, I beseech you!! Give me better marks! I really regretted my not-very-good-but-a-bit-gloomy-instead mood on the day the E-Maths test conducted. If I was in a good one, I would’ve got an A1 or A2 and enables me to have an L1R5 of 19-20. Ugh, really. I can go mad now.
Just this morning after the morning assembly, my class PCT (Pastoral Care Teacher) Mr Chua asked me, “Toshi, tighten your tie please”.
“Yes, Sir”, I said while buttoning my uppermost button and tighten my tie.
“By the way Toshi, do you have any problems? You look quite stressed.”
“Oh….” I thought for a while, “No,Sir”
“Are you sure?”
While guessing that Mr Chua’s assumption is due to my scruffy look in the morning, I answered, “Um…. No, Sir. This morning while I was heading to school, I realized that I had left my tie in my room, so I rushed back to the Boarding School”
“Well, no. It’s not about your tie. You just look quite stressful in this term. Since the beginning of this term, in fact. Is there anything you need to tell us?” He refers to both himself and my CT (Class Teacher) Mr Sham.
I smiled, “No…no… I’m not. I’m just…”
“Ah, nothing Sir”
“Are you sure?”
“Well, if you do have any problems, don’t doubt to tell us, OK?”
After that conversation, I stayed frozen for a minute. I realized that I do have a problem. A major problem that always haunts me, actually. It is not to be confided, actually. After all, how will anybody help me after I’ve confided it?
The problem is: The fear of getting expelled from my school. As you know, I’m a scholar, right? With an L1R5 always above 20, I’m in a morbid fear of getting expelled from this school. The main reason isn’t about the money or time I’ve wasted, it’s my reputation. I really dunno where to put my face (an Indonesian saying which means ‘how to save my pride?’). I can do nothing other than studying super hard. Gosh, I really hate doing it. Studying hard and smart is not what I’m currently good at. I need to enjoy my life more, and probably my diligence (am I? Lolz, I laugh at myself) and the thought of this that haunts me creates the stressful tension within myself…