Tips for the workplace and life in general

The following text is originally lifted from the trivia section of The Jakarta Post dated Saturday, 29 December 2008.

~Compiled from various sources~

• Failure is not an option. It’s bundled with your software.
• Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
• To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
• If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
• Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidences that you tried.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
• Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; but to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Beat the 5 p.m. rush, leave work at noon.
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Half the people in the world are below average.
• Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
• Capital punishment isn’t for making examples; it’s for making bad people dead.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• Support bacteria—they’re the only culture some people have.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• When cheese get its picture taken, what does it say?
• “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
• Heck is where people go when they don’t believe in Gosh.
• Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
• If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
• Time is just nature’s way to keep everything from happening at once.
• The meek shall inherit the earth—after we’re through with it.
• Ham and Eggs—a day’s work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• How much can one get away with and still go to heaven?
• It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.