how long will I remain stuck here

35 days away now, and I’ll finally be leaving the Northern Kentucky area for good!!

Or not.

Damn, this lockdown sucks.

While I’m finally on the verge of moving to the new state, I still have no idea if I’d legally be allowed to move there by the end of May.

I had paid for Airbnb reservation for the first 32 days in the new city, and all my plans are set, ready to hand in my two-week notice to my manager...but all this would need to be postponed indefinitely if the governor of that state decides to prolong the temporary ban on vacation rentals.

I wish I had just moved to Houston TX in early 2019 instead of waiting around to see if Angie (or anyone whose beauty and intellect can match hers) can be found in Cincinnati area...because guess what: there is absolutely nobody else like her in here.

But there is no use regretting it.

At least I know what I want now. With the absence of any girlfriend figure in my life, I am okay with being single for the next several years IF I can get to fulfill my life calling by living near the sea again.

Somehow, the sea heals everything... My two recent trips to Mexico has proven that.

The sea is not a vacation place for me.
The sea is not a vacation place for me.

Let me repeat:
The sea is NOT a vacation place for me.

The sea is home!

Being so far away from the sea for so many years has made me indifferent to life in general...my mind and soul had been seeking for a place to settle down, thinking that it was because I wanted to move to Japan, or Indonesia, or Europe, etc.....but no, the answer has been staring at me all along....it's the sea.

So this is the time when the Japanese concept of gaman has to come into play: I just have to suck it up and remain stoic, at least in public.

I wish I could find that Angie-like figure who will be my life partner (wherever she is), but until that time comes, I just need to remain committed to my goals and keep myself accountable not just to my family and cats, but also to God.

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on Lockdown

It sucks, really.

I normally put myself under "voluntary quarantine" during Winter (because I fucking hate cold), but now that it's Spring, I still can't even go out because of the pandemic.

Anyway, I know for sure that life would have been a lot better if only Angie just gave me a chance.

I would've loooooved to be quarantined with her!

But alas, she has never wanted to go out with me.

My fault, really.

I should have just asked her to go out since the first day I talked with her back in mid-July 2018...back then I already felt it in my heart that she was the woman I wanted to marry.

And she still is.

I had wanted to marry her in summer 2018, and I still want to marry her today.

She is the one woman who got away, and to this day I still regret the fact that I did not just seize the day and simply asked her out back in summer 2018 instead of wasting my time on frivolous pursuits.

But oh well.

So now that I have other horizons in mind, what kind of woman do I want as a partner, really?

Well, she needs to be:

1. Catholic
2. Thalassophile (i.e. loves the sea)
3. Honest
4. Loves Japanese and/or French culture
5. Loves cats and dogs

Points no.1, 3, and 5 are easy to find among women in Cincinnati area.

Actually it's not that hard to find honest Catholic woman who loves animals.

Point 4 is a bit more challenging but not hard to find.

But as for point 2?

Yikes, no such luck.

Until this day, Angie is the only person who has ever fulfilled all five points of the above.

She is the only one who has ever fulfilled everything that I want in a wife.

But since Angie turned me down repeatedly, I kinda had no choice but look for "a second version" of Angie out there.

She becomes "the gold standard" that I compare every woman I meet since 2018.

Pathetic, huh?

I know...but I just don't see other women the same way since I met Angie haha.

Anyway, I'll probably live the rest of my life as a single man if I continue living in Cincinnati.

I had done a random survey of several female coworkers and friends of my age on what they think if one day their boyfriend/husband asked them to move to coastal area.

Or, if they're single, I ask them what they think about moving to coastal area.

Caveat: 

I don't have interest in any of them...my survey was purely to gauge the societal opinion of Midwestern women on moving to the coastal area

Do you know what they say?

It's either "Hmm I don't think so"

or "My family and friends are all in this area, how could I possibly move out of Ohio/Kentucky??"

or "Beach is nice and all, but I don't see myself living near the beach forever".

Yikes.

It was just before New Year's of 2020 that I finally found out that I had to move out of the Midwest area.

There is nothing wrong with women who like living in the Midwest, of course....this is totally their prerogative.

However, I cannot date or marry any of them.

Visiting the sea/ocean to sit at the beach and enjoy the sea breeze while listening to sea waves and cries of sea gull is something I want to look forward to every weekend.

Yes, every damn weekend. Not just "once-a-year-vacation" or "once-every-six-months trip" kind of bullshit.

I just don't envision myself having a life partner who does not want to live near the sea/ocean.

This has always been the case since 2006.

(I had only dated girls who were born in island countries for this very reason)



By moving to a coastal town, I could eliminate the need to ask for potential girlfriend in the future to move somewhere else...because there is no need to move anymore! She is already livin in a coastal area! Haha.

So yeah, I'm still looking forward to move to that coastal town I've been setting my eyes on.

Of course, I am not moving there for the sole reason of finding a girlfriend. I am not that stupid.

I am simply looking forward to be able to improve myself on skills that I have been working on while preparing myself to be a good potential husband, son-in-law, and probably even father.

Of course, I have been working on the self-improvement while still living in Northern KY area, BUT there is not much that I look forward to on weekends in Cincinnati.

In Cincinnati, it's either going with hiking club, or just go to bars.

Yikes.

No beach to visit here.

Plus, during winters in Cincinnati, I basically don't go out to socialize at all, so there's also the factor of winter.

It's only a matter of days now, and all this will be over and I can finally start my life anew.

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My second step in moving on

The following is an addendum to the message from three days ago which I will never send to her, but I feel worth emphasizing here...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know you will never read this blog post, Angie, but for what it's worth, I would've loved to marry you.

As God is my witness, I've never felt as strongly about anyone before.

Not even toward any of my ex-girlfriends.

I've never really wanted to just stop at dating you... I've always wanted to marry you.

I felt that on the first day we talked back in mid-July 2018.

And I still feel the same way until this very day.

I've had other crushes since then, since the day you turned down my invitation to go out with me last March, but honestly, I would've dropped my interest in any of them if only you had just said "Okay, I change my mind Thomas...I would love to go out with you!"

I waited and waited, but it never happened.

Oh well.

By January 2020, if I still haven't moved on from you....if I still check your Facebook profile everyday (just like I have been since July 2018), then I need to do the one thing I need to do to heal, which is to unfriend you from all my social media accounts.

Again, I will not be doing this out of anger or vengeance, but out of my need to heal.

My heart will never heal if I keep checking your social media profiles, ya know?

After you read the Facebook message I sent yesterday, I hope you go to sleep knowing that I will still be praying for your happiness, success and wellbeing, even if we're no longer "friends" on social media accounts.

One important lesson I have learned after being alive for 30 years is that true love means wanting the best for that person...even if that means I am no longer part of the equation.

May God keep you safe and warm this coming winter, Angie.

Please enjoy the beaches of the Philippines when you visit your family there again.

I don't really believe in reincarnation, but if it happens to be real and we both get reincarnated after we die, then I will look for your reincarnated soul.

I will find you and I will show you the kind of world I would have given to you if you had let me show it to you in the first place.

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My first step in moving on

Angie's birthday is coming up on the 26th.

Originally I wanted to send this message on her birthday itself, but I did not want to inundate her Facebook inbox with a long message on that day with my personal, selfish outpouring of love.

Just a little bit of context: I was in the middle of chatting with her about something else (on Facebook) when I sent her this following message...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know you’re probably busy, so let me cut to the chase. I would’ve loved to say this in person, but the timing was never right when we were still working together at [redacted] bc I was still in process of moving on from my ex back then.

I’ve had a crush on you since summer 2018. 

That's why I gave you those gifts out of the blue when I was still working there (you probably don't even remember abt them by now lol). I don’t give gifts to random friends, ya know?

After you turned down my invitation to go out with me last spring, I’ve been looking for other girls in Cincinnati area to replace your position in my heart. My feelings toward them kept fading away and...I found myself missing you again and again. They’re just not comparable to you.

It’s hard to find anyone whose elegance, intellect and interests even closely resembles you.

Not only you’re a sea-lover who is a devout Catholic, but you’re witty, have such a soothing voice, have a great taste in music, like Japanese culture, and very loving to your family members. 

Plus, both your parents come from different cultures and speak different languages (Cebuano, Tagalog, Canadian French) that I feel like I could learn a lot from them if I had gotten to know them closely as well.

So now you can add my name to the list of your admirers! 

Anyway…. I’m fully aware that you don’t feel the same way about me, and I’ve accepted that. 

I care enough for you that I wish the best kind of life for you, even if that means you’d rather focus on your studies or wait for someone else better to come along instead.

But before I move away from the [redacted] area, I’m wondering if I could give you one farewell gesture. I’d be honored if I could bake you a cake for your birthday next week, if that’s okay with you?

If not, that is fine, I only wanted to convey what I needed to say to you. Just remember that there is one more person out here who will be praying for you from afar, so that God always keeps you safe and that your dreams will be fulfilled in their due time.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It has been nearly 24 hours since I sent the message above and she still has not replied.

My guess is she probably never will.

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on Oktoberfest

Naaah, I didn't go!

Early Saturday morning, Kristin texted me if I wanted to go out with her to see the Oktoberfest downtown later in the afternoon.

Except that I already had a prior appointment for an event with the Catholic organization Knights of Columbus.

If she had texted me this two months ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity and cancelled any prior appointments I had that day just so that I could go out with her.

But no, I'm no longer willing to be someone's "backup plan" anymore.

And anyway, I'm already at peace with the way things are now.

(fingers crossed, because I'm currently in the middle of a huge "extracurricular project"...hahahaha)

A quick stalking session peek on her Facebook profile (which I have not had time to open since June, btw) did not show any trace of the guy she allegedly had met from the Bumble dating app.

Apparently she ended up not dating him anyway.

Sorry dear, you're too late. I hope everything works out well for you.

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