Love ≠ Lust

Wow, you know what, yesterday I just heard a breaking news from my friend through Friendster that a previous classmate of mine in my old school in Bali had just got impregnated by her boyfren.

Wakakakkkakaakaka!!!!!!!! Upon reading the FS message, I just burst out laughing...

LOLZ.

So mean... Am I that mean, laughing at her suffering? Not really, considering that I'm actually laughing at the possibility of that impregnate girl of even having a boyfren. The fact that she had got a boyfren itself simply surprised me. She is a total failure in everything, horrible in appearance, weak in academic subjects & sports, and she also have a very annoying attitude which everyone in my class that time used to hate. In fact, none of my schoolmates have ever befriended her, particularly bcoz of her bad attitudes toward other ppl... If she were the only girl left on earth, I'd rather turn into a gay and marry a man instead. It's such an amazing thing that she has a boyfriend who would ever make her pregnant.. Hahaha..... ^o^

Now let us discuss the topic in a more serious viewpoint, and jokes aside, pls.


That girl is actually the fourth person I'd known who has had a pre-marital sex. The remaining 2 cases are my seniors in my old school in Jkt. Now according to my observation, pre-marital sex happen more in Bali than in Jkt, probably attributed to the local govt's activeness in promoting sex education in schools and public. But this observation is not of my main concern.

In fact, sex education should not be of our main concern if we want to reduce the number of pre-marital sex sharply. Neither do pills, condom, etc. Why? Instead of concerning more on holding more sex education talks and seminars, shouldn't we actually concern more on the teaching of ethics? Really, regardless of whether one is religious or not, one should not base anything that is "good" or "bad" by referring to one's self. One should actually refer more on the holy books like the Bible, Quran, Veda, etc.

What I have seen now is the fact that the reduce in teaching of ethics attributed to the increasing secularism in today's society. Now this secularism is actually a good thing as it promotes freedom of expression and other liberal American lifestyle (sorry for being a bit biased here!). But the thing is that secularism automatically invokes pragmatism in each individuals who apply it, causing more and more ppl nowadays adapt practical solutions to all aspects of their life.

Thus, when the question of ethics is asked, ppl refer to themselves rather than God. God now has automatically become the "most forgotten Person of the decade". Since ppl ask their own selves of what is right or wrong, each induviduals hence may have different perceptives of what is morally acceptable and what is not.

Let's get back to the main topic, as I don't wanna dive too deep into the ethics philosophy.

I actually wanna discuss more on the meaning of love. For Christians and Muslims alike, it is a common teaching that LOVE ≠ LUST. However, teenagers nowadays simply ignore this message and get used to apply LUST in their LOVE relationships.

Now if you are a guy, applying LUST is not a bad thing after all. You get sexually satisfied, you can still use condom, and Whoops!! Even if you fail to protect the conceiving from happening, you can choose either to abort the baby or let the baby live.

Since Abortion=Murder, it's simply morally right to let the baby live, right?



WRONG.

You should not have sex with your girlfriend in the first place. Both of you are under 20, unmarried, not financially independent, and still in a need of education in the university.

As a guy myself, I'm not being a hypocrite or a Pastor wannabe here by advising other guys out there of how they should behave. I'm simply giving my own piece of mind of what I, a rational guy, think what love really means for me.

Love is pure. Love is divine. And love requires sacrifice.

Now if you as a guy risk having a baby by having sex with a girl, don't you see that it's actually the girl who has to sacrifice a lot for you?

The girl may think that she sacrifices herself for your LOVE. But the fact remains that she actually sacrifices herself for your LUST. Think of all the pains the girl have to bear if she gets pregnant: "carrying" a big stomach everywhere, restricted from freedom to avoid friend's mockery, gets embarrased when walking past neighbours. Worse still, whatever result you as the "father" choose, she will suffer much, much more than you anyway.

If you as an irresponsible "father" choose to abort the baby, you may not feel the guilt, but the girl as the one who has been carrying the foetus in her womb surely has a motherly instinct to feel guilty. In fact, all girls who abort their own babies do live with the guilt of the unborn baby, even after years past by. In extreme cases, the guilt may even lead to suicides.

On the other hand, if you as a "responsible father" (mind the apostrophes, pls!) choose to let the baby live, your girlfren still have to suffer more anyway. She may have to quit school, has to attend the baby for hours, milk the baby, while your responsibility is simply limited to providing both her and the baby money to live on.

In conclusion, for any guys out there who is reading this blog now, if you think that Love ≠ Lust, I ask you strongly to reconsider it. I'm not asking you to learn ethics, even if you're a free thinker. But the thing is; if you really love that girl you're in relationship with right now, can you ask yourself to restrain yourself from having sex before you're married? Sex is actually a expression of love purity, but it becomes so if you do it after you're legally married.

What do you think, then? The choice....... is yours.

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Going to Expo twice on 2 consecutive days...

Today’s Sunday… The last 2 days have been spent w/o studying at all for the prelims. Particularly bcoz during those days, I went to the far-faraway Expo for 2 different reasons.

On Friday, I went to Bugis together with Julz, Steven, Dana, and Bagus to take our plane tickets (back to Jkt) in Muhibbah travel agent. My ticket figure is $221 while the others are around $377.Why? Mine is a 1-way ticket, while the others are 2-way.

When we reach Muhibbah, for a while, my mind was filled w/ doubt whether I really was going to take a 1-way ticket or not. At that time, the images of me continuing my education in Sgp, joining the IB orientation, seeing myself wearing IB ties, going to different classes together w/ IB girls, joining the Drama club, getting more active in church, geting to know many more female frenz here....

What an imagination, I think.

What an imagination.

Oh, what an imagination

Well, Toshi, there's no turning back if you pay the ticket now. You are going to America anyway, I said to myself.

I sighed.

The $230 held ready in hand to be paid was felt frozen like the chilling ice. If my frenz weren’t there, I would've shed tears when I finally handed in the money. I simply made done w/ sobbing quietly inside my heart. Being separated really is painful..

But Toshi get done with it, pls…

Yeah.

OK, OK… Realising that I pay a different amount of money, Dana asked me why I pay much less than the others.

I smiled, and answered that mine is a 1-way ticket.

He then asked, Why?

I pretended to think for a while, as if I was looking for a good answer, throwing my smile to Julian. He also smiled, having fully understood what my smile meant.

I explained to Dana that I’m going to continue my education in USA due to a secret reason I couldn’t reveal to anyone else right then.

Which part of USA? And what secret reason are you talking abt?, Steven joined the conversation and had his curiosity aroused.

I dunno which part of USA yet. And the secret reason is only held by my closest ppl and couldn’t be disclosed to a lot of ppl yet. But I promised them to reveal the secret on the day of our flight back to Jkt.

Anyway, bye bye to Singapore… I really don’t wanna leave this place, Man, but no choice la, as I have a better preference given..

After going to Muhibbah, we decided to proceed to ComEx in Singapore expo. All those IT fair thingy offered me alluring choices of electronic items to buy… But I decided to pass. I ain’t got enough money, Man, esp. after I just bought an HDD from a friend.

The MRT “journey” back and forth to Expo from Dover MRT is really damned far-faraway….. 1 hour each. So 2 hours in total. Dammit…. We had to stand some more…

On the next day, Saturday, I went back to Expo again to go to City Harvest Church with my juniors. Going only w/ my juniors gave me quite an uncomfortable feeling, esp. since I’m not close to them in the first place. Daniel was supposed to come too, but he wasn’t feeling well that time and decided to just pass and apologized to me for being unable to come w/ me. OK la… When I reach the place, I was surprised at how small the place is now, in comparison with the old one in Jurong West. Then from Pastor Kong’s sermon I found out that it is actually a temporary location for worship, as they’re preparing a new and much bigger building for worship. OK la…

Oh ya, the sermon yesterday was anyway very relevant to my current problems, which is abt debt... The sermons delivered in CHC are usually relevant to current life issues anyway...

If I hadn't gone to CHC that day, I would've asked for a larger debt from my frenz in order to afford buying a new MP3 player in Comex. Thank God, my plan to owe ppl more money was cancelled. In fact, Pastor Kong told us that we must cancel our debts as to live free from pain. You know, all those suggestions of using debit card instead of credit card and stuff....

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Tuesday, 29 August 2006

I just finished watching Kimi ga Nozomu Eien last nite and oh… how sad (yet happy) the ending of the story is! If you love romance animes, then this one should be put on your must-watch list. Just like the way Korean drama “Sad Love Story” ending turn out unexpectably tragic, KgNE also turn out very unexpectably happy yet sad. Ah, just check out for the review yourself, lar…

Having finished the first 2 prelim papers and ugh… I screwed up in the English I! Really, doing the section 2 was completely OK, but somehow I didn’t manage to use any of my English proficiency (red: I’m not boasting!) and use verbosity in section 1… The topic itself which I’d chosen, “Fame”, is very general and wide in scope and could’ve easily get hasty sweeping statements of mine… Hopefully my subjective opinions in that narrative-argumentative essay will be well accepted by the examiner!

Wait a sec, Toshi…. You wrote a narrative-argumentative essay? What on earth do you mean by such a type of essay?

Lolz.

Hahaha…

It’s a combination of both narrative and argumentative formats of an essay. You know, when you get to pour in your arguments into an essay but more from a first PoV… So, you use the word “I” a lot, instead of “it seems….”.

For example, there are sentences which I could’ve written as:

“According to a survey conducted by The Strait Times lately…”

I wrote as:

“According to a survey I read in The Strait Times lately…”

Informal? I don’t think so. It’s simply like telling a story about your opinions on social matters more freely…

Are you sure it’s OK?

Of course, why should it not? It’s well damned OK, FYI, and I got quite a high mark of 19/30 using the same format last MYE (though I’m not confident enough I’ll get around the same project this time round). I have never read any of the English essay guideline books or similar stuff, as for me it’s simply a waste of time only. I’ve thrown away my books of “Writing Argumentative Essays” or “Sec 3 & Sec 4 O-Level Model Compositions”, as I don’t actually like to be confined to rules when I am expressing myself (thru any media, not only in an essay).

Now you know how liberal (and maybe rebellious) my inner spirit is! Though a Japanese façade is shown outside by my bold expression of love for Japan (with my phrases “Tadaima” and “Itadakimasu” being said when I enter my room and start eating respectively, and with my habit of having Yukata as daily wearing), there is still a true blue Democratic American eagle residing inside my heart! This feeling of nationalism towards my beloved country of America urges (and pulls) me to be free in any aspects of life

I don’t like, and I don’t give a damn at all, to any rules or regulations which I think are illogical or unnecessary. Now that’s an opinion of mine. You need not agree with it, but at least I respect the freedom of your expression if you have an opinion 180 degrees from mine.

For example, there are multiple of school rules which I have broken during my stay in ACS(I) which may have earned me a full-6-demerit-points if I got caught. But I always manage to escape them all somehow, lolz. I won’t mention any of those rule breaking activity here, as I dun treat this Blog as a Confession Box, esp. as this blog can be read by any of my schoolteachers. Thus, enough is said.

English I (Compre) and E-Maths I (no calculator) are coming tomorrow, and as usual, I dun reali giv a damn to both. No need to study for English lar, and I can simply manage to score a B for E-Maths as there is a time gap of 1 week+ to study for E-Maths paper II, during which I can study more and earn more marks.

Haha..

Hahahahaha………

No, no, no.. I’m not getting into a TLCH-like person (initial is given to protect identity)… You know what, this guy is somehow laughable at. He got an L1R5 of 24 for Sec 3 Mid-Year, 25 for Sec 3 Final Year, and 31 for Sec 4 Final Year, and yet he is still quite confident he can get an L1R5 of 10 for Prelims.

Then you ppl out there say to me, “When there is a will, nothing is impossible”

Bah, no need to quote the philosophers. TLCH is one admirable friend of mine who has a strong will, yet zero effort. Really, he is simply too idealistic, overconfident, and over-optimistic abt himself. He thought he had studied well, but still, during these prelim days I’ve caught him playing Runescape at times. Playing Runescape for me during these days is no big deal, as the Prelims will not have any crucial effect for me anyhow. But anyway, I have this so-called “concern” that he won’t make it to his target of ACJC (or even the previous RJC target!).

Man, I’m dying to buy an MP3 Player to replace my bulky-and-not-so-portable MP3 CD Player of mine. They’re quite expensive though. Sony Walkman 512MB and Panasonic 1GB cost the same price around $140… I’m confused in which one should I buy. I’m in love with Sony’s sleek and elegant design, but at the same time Panasonic’s double memory size tempts me more due to affordability.

What about Stanford’s offer of $100 SECOND-HAND Samsung?

That one?

Oh, forget it. I rejected it. Second-hand 512MB for $100? My budget is limited, you know. A rich guy like him selling a second-hand electronic item some more… No, thanks. My bargain of $80 instead was rejected. Then it’s certainly a no-go for both of us.

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Love. Cinta. Ai suru.

Now is just a day away from the commencing of prelims, yet here I am feeling neither anxious nor depressed. Instead, I feel static. No, not ecstatic, and not lackadaisical too… My approach towards prelims may look like a lackadaisical one (as thought by my frenz Ford, Buana, Bagus, and some other ppl), but truly, they don’t actually understand me.

Nah, I’m not being lazy at this moment. Not at this particular moment in time. Why? This stagnant universe inside my mind had slower down all my attitudes and motivation towards life. I actually dunno how to provide reasons for my own questions.

Here is one of them. Just last night, I had a dream. A beautiful one. I dreamt that I was dating a girl, around my age, with an Oriental complexion, and somehow her appearance is very familiar to me. I cannot recall what she really looks like. But somehow, this dream gave me a joy: that joy I’ve been desiring for, which is, to love and to be loved by a soulmate. Oh, my innermost desire…. On that dream, I had a candlelight dinner and walk around the park under the moonlight and other stuff (no dirty stuff, mind you, I know very well the difference between love and lust). Gosh, how I really am deprived of love. No, it’s not abt particular girl to whom I’m infatuated right now. In fact, I’m infatuated to nobody right now, and that’s why when Buana queried me abt which girl I’m falling for right now, I just simply let him have a good time guessing whether it’s the old BC or the new LJ (initials are given to protect their identities here). Man, I’m just having fun by letting ppl see facades of mine w/o letting him realize my inner thoughts. I dun actually reali think that Buana can be my confidante for this query for love… Bcoz one day, when I asked him to share his thoughts abt what love reali means for him and other related stuff, I see how different his perspective is from mine. Therefore, Boon, if you read this Blog one day out there, harap maklum yah… ^ ^

Bah, if I think of it again, then I realize how useless it is for me to love a girl due to her looks. Of course, everybody knows how you must love a person not due to one’s looks but also to one’s personality, and I’m not going into that right now. But the thing is that my lack of love has been urging me to look for one. It’s not that I’m not being loved by my frenz or my parents… Indeed, love knows no distance. But then it’s a different type of love. You see, in BI (Bahasa Indonesia), parental-child love, inter-siblings love, or friendly-love, have the usage of the term Kasih. But for the love between soulmates, it uses the specific term of Cinta. Understood? Now it is this cinta I’m talking about. In Japanese, it’s the ai I’m looking for, not daisuki. Though my parents and sister are far away in Jakarta, I can feel their support and love to me. The same thing applies for my friends. I can feel that friendly-love shown by their care and concern. But the thing is……..Bah, never mind. I can’t actually describe it in words, but I’m sure anyone understands very well what I mean. This search for soulmate… Longing desire to be loved….

I understand how I have to let all these inner thoughts subside within me, just for a moment, so that I can focus for my first 4 papers this week (I dropped Chem, lolz). But then, I got this gumption that unless I pour in my thoughts to a piece of paper (i.e. Blog), I won’t be able to put it aside yet. Now that I’ve poured them in, I feel better. I guess now I just have to study SS and English Compo… Only 30 hours left to the first paper..

PS: I’ll talk abt love again, maybe next time. Btw, I’m watching anime “Kimi ga Nozomu Eien” right now, and it’s a beautiful story abt romance and friendship that really match my mood right now.

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gratitude

I juz finished watching anime Blood+ episode 3 by now, and by the way though I don’t really like mystery stories, I think the anime is quite good rite…

Just 2 days ago I finished watching the whole series of 15 episodes Full Metal Panic Fumoffu, and now I regret watching them for too fast.. This anime was damn good!!! Quite funny (only a little bit less funny than School Rumble), and the storyline, though filled in with slapsticks, is quite romantic. I like weird ‘chemistry’ between Sagara Soosuke and Chidori Kaname, esp. the one shown in episode 14, where there’s the flirting competition stuff… And then the Bonta-kun is damn cute! ^ ^

If you guys out there haven’t watch this Fumoffu anime, you better check it out! In the official website is said that there is a total of 17 episodes, and 2 of them, regretfully, are withdrawn from mass production due to the fact that the story is connected with current criminal cases in Japan.. How I regret such a decision… If only both the prequel and sequel of this movie (which are mecha-genre, in comparison with this romantic-comedy-genre Fumoffu) are that good also… Huhh…

Anyway, talking abt romantic comedy, I might wanna refer to the movie “She’s The Man” I watched last weekend… Based on 12^th Nite (which I’ve been studying in my Lit class), all the light humour in the movie had lightened me up, esp. during this pre-preliminary-exam “Era of Great Depression”. Check it out!

Dunno why, juz before the prelims itself, I dun reali feel like studying. Instead of focusing onto what I’m having rite now, I’m much more concerned abt my future: where I am going to continue my higher education. Is it in Singapore? Is it in America? Or is it in…..(though I dun want it at all)…….Jakarta?

Thinking of the first possibility, I’d be very happy to be able to continue my 2-yrs-scholarship term here. If only I could do well academically… With my current ability, it’s very unlikely for me to enter any JC, let alone the possibility of going on with scholarship. Frankly though, I’m actually desperate to enter this new ACS(IB) which is adjacent to the sec school building now. I ruled out any possibility of entering any other JCs, bcos you’ll need to move to a new hostel, which furthermore means that I have to adapt to a new environment and also later have to take all the troubles to move my belongings to tat new hostel.

Then, there is also another obstacle: money matters. Well, people outside there who have never been bonded by any scholarship might say how I have gotten this 100% paid scholarship thing and I dun need to pay a single cent and stuff…… What a hogwash… It’s simply half the truth, man… The other half is that though your school fees and hostel fees are fully paid by MoE, they never cover up the expenses for overseas trips such as OEP, LDP which may oblige you to dig deep to your pockets until S$1000 or more!! Then, in the ACS(IB) frens around me say that you’ll have to pay yourself for the IB subjects book fee which has the figure until four-digits…. Ugh, even thinking of it makes me sick!!! If only I’m well-off financially….

Until last week, I have got only 2 choices in mind: If I were given a chance to continue scholarship, I’d choose to enter IB. But if I couldn’t enter IB, then I’ll definitely take off to America, where I’m supposed to be… I tell you, at that time my heart has a tendency of 60% opting for American school, and the other 40% for ACS(IB). However, the probability figure tells another story. I have 95% chance of going to America and 5% of entering IB (This is due to a secret which I won’t reveal in this blog due to confidentiality matters).

Wahh, if only I can enter IB….. Realistically, I can’t.

Then, last Friday, I heard this so-called ‘voice’ of my guardian angel:

You don’t belong here, Toshi. Your future is not to be pursued in Singapore. You better go back to America.

I did not reply to that voice, and he also stopped talking to me. Really, I tell you, I dunno how to reply. I think again afterwards, and then come up with an answer: it maybe right after all. I think my future doesn’t really belong here. If I look back in my 1.5 yrs of stay in Singapore now, I’ve both suffered and learned lessons of life at the same time. Singapore has become the training ground that prepares me for maturity, for me to get out of the comforts of childhood (or childish?) cocoon, so that I can be a butterfly in my adult years… Honestly, and frankly, I actually disliked (I dun wanna use the word “hate”) Singapore for quite a number of times for the past 1.5 yrs. But the past 1 mth, seeing that my stay in Singapore might end in a short while, I have reflected back and realized that…

Hey, why should you dislike Singapore? Is it bcoz of all the agony you’ve gotten here? Haven’t most of those agonies actually forged you into a better person? Look at yourself now. Look at how different you are from the “you” 18 mths ago, when you left Jakarta for Singapore. You should have expressed gratitude for Singapore, Thomas.

Correct.

I should’ve done so.

Thank you, Singapore.

You know what, I think I actually might have developed love for this country after all. Hahahaha…… Love-hate relationship, huh? No lar, I’ve lost all the feelings of enmity for Singapore. I think now I love this country after all. The greenery, the transport, the airport, the blend-in of Asian cultures, the cleanliness of air pollution, the church ministry life…. If only I were a Singapore national.

But I’m not.

And I dun think I should be one. Though I love this country, I dun think I want to become a PR, or even a national of Singapore… I feel that I belong to another society that welcomes me more: Indonesia. And my true love will always be for America and Japan…

Still, Singapore is, I tell you, a wonderful country. Really. I dun fall into the traps of Singapore Tourism Board slogan, neither am I promoting Singapore to you ppl who are reading this blog. But somehow, though I dun feel really at home here, I’ve treated Singapore as my home for 18 mths till now… I dun actually know why now I feel this sudden change of feeling towards Singapore. I’ve told my frens Buana and Stanford abt my sudden change of heart towards Singapore, and they are left wondering why I have this feeling now.

Anyway, let me say it again…

Thank you, Singapore.

PS: There is actually another special reason why now I love Singapore, but I dun wanna mention it here ^_^. You guess by yourself, judging from my psychological condition (duuhh!!!!!!) lately…

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