My second step in moving on

The following is an addendum to the message from three days ago which I will never send to her, but I feel worth emphasizing here...

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I know you will never read this blog post, Angie, but for what it's worth, I would've loved to marry you.

As God is my witness, I've never felt as strongly about anyone before.

Not even toward any of my ex-girlfriends.

I've never really wanted to just stop at dating you... I've always wanted to marry you.

I felt that on the first day we talked back in mid-July 2018.

And I still feel the same way until this very day.

I've had other crushes since then, since the day you turned down my invitation to go out with me last March, but honestly, I would've dropped my interest in any of them if only you had just said "Okay, I change my mind Thomas...I would love to go out with you!"

I waited and waited, but it never happened.

Oh well.

By January 2020, if I still haven't moved on from you....if I still check your Facebook profile everyday (just like I have been since July 2018), then I need to do the one thing I need to do to heal, which is to unfriend you from all my social media accounts.

Again, I will not be doing this out of anger or vengeance, but out of my need to heal.

My heart will never heal if I keep checking your social media profiles, ya know?

After you read the Facebook message I sent yesterday, I hope you go to sleep knowing that I will still be praying for your happiness, success and wellbeing, even if we're no longer "friends" on social media accounts.

One important lesson I have learned after being alive for 30 years is that true love means wanting the best for that person...even if that means I am no longer part of the equation.

May God keep you safe and warm this coming winter, Angie.

Please enjoy the beaches of the Philippines when you visit your family there again.

I don't really believe in reincarnation, but if it happens to be real and we both get reincarnated after we die, then I will look for your reincarnated soul.

I will find you and I will show you the kind of world I would have given to you if you had let me show it to you in the first place.

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My first step in moving on

Angie's birthday is coming up on the 26th.

Originally I wanted to send this message on her birthday itself, but I did not want to inundate her Facebook inbox with a long message on that day with my personal, selfish outpouring of love.

Just a little bit of context: I was in the middle of chatting with her about something else (on Facebook) when I sent her this following message...

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I know you’re probably busy, so let me cut to the chase. I would’ve loved to say this in person, but the timing was never right when we were still working together at [redacted] bc I was still in process of moving on from my ex back then.

I’ve had a crush on you since summer 2018. 

That's why I gave you those gifts out of the blue when I was still working there (you probably don't even remember abt them by now lol). I don’t give gifts to random friends, ya know?

After you turned down my invitation to go out with me last spring, I’ve been looking for other girls in Cincinnati area to replace your position in my heart. My feelings toward them kept fading away and...I found myself missing you again and again. They’re just not comparable to you.

It’s hard to find anyone whose elegance, intellect and interests even closely resembles you.

Not only you’re a sea-lover who is a devout Catholic, but you’re witty, have such a soothing voice, have a great taste in music, like Japanese culture, and very loving to your family members. 

Plus, both your parents come from different cultures and speak different languages (Cebuano, Tagalog, Canadian French) that I feel like I could learn a lot from them if I had gotten to know them closely as well.

So now you can add my name to the list of your admirers! 

Anyway…. I’m fully aware that you don’t feel the same way about me, and I’ve accepted that. 

I care enough for you that I wish the best kind of life for you, even if that means you’d rather focus on your studies or wait for someone else better to come along instead.

But before I move away from the [redacted] area, I’m wondering if I could give you one farewell gesture. I’d be honored if I could bake you a cake for your birthday next week, if that’s okay with you?

If not, that is fine, I only wanted to convey what I needed to say to you. Just remember that there is one more person out here who will be praying for you from afar, so that God always keeps you safe and that your dreams will be fulfilled in their due time.



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It has been nearly 24 hours since I sent the message above and she still has not replied.

My guess is she probably never will.

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on Oktoberfest

Naaah, I didn't go!

Early Saturday morning, Kristin texted me if I wanted to go out with her to see the Oktoberfest downtown later in the afternoon.

Except that I already had a prior appointment for an event with the Catholic organization Knights of Columbus.

If she had texted me this two months ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity and cancelled any prior appointments I had that day just so that I could go out with her.

But no, I'm no longer willing to be someone's "backup plan" anymore.

And anyway, I'm already at peace with the way things are now.

(fingers crossed, because I'm currently in the middle of a huge "extracurricular project"...hahahaha)

A quick stalking session peek on her Facebook profile (which I have not had time to open since June, btw) did not show any trace of the guy she allegedly had met from the Bumble dating app.

Apparently she ended up not dating him anyway.

Sorry dear, you're too late. I hope everything works out well for you.

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What is going on?

Sometimes I ask myself, is it possible for us to be hanging out nonstop and stay platonic friends?

I found myself wondering about this after I realized that we both just started subscription to the same places, and it was a decision that we just took on the spot.

On some days we’d barely text each other but then we’d find ourselves having heart-to-heart conversation at her couch...afterwards, I would drive home from her place at around 10pm.

I mean, is this normal?

Would I end up developing feelings for her?

Because if I do, I know I am not ready to jump into a new relationship (yet).

I will only end up hurting her in the end, as since I know I don’t have the level of maturity that she has. And I’m still not entirely sure if I want to settle in this area (yet).

All of these things might change, though.

Who knows.

I'm still trying to find the best "niche" for me at the moment, in terms of hobbies, personality, and the kinds of people I want to surround myself with.

I’m playing it by ear for now, but I hope I can find some answers, soon.

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on Hot yoga

Yesterday would have been the day of Kristin's raincheck day for our second session of rock climbing, but I texted her that I was still wheezing from asthma. The most strenuous activity I could have done yesterday would have been yoga.

It was truly a disappointment for me because I really really wanted to go rock climbing again with her.

Which was why, to my surprise, she texted back that we can just go again next week...

And then she asked me if I wanted to do hot yoga with her that day.

Was that what I think it was?

It was!

For those who don't know, hot yoga is the type of yoga that is done in a steaming hot room set to a temperature of 104 F.

So after work, I drove to her apartment which was located a bit north from my office. Then she always offers my fave chocolate every time I come visit her place which was really nice!

Then we talked for a bit before we went together to the yoga studio. By the time we finished the hour-long yoga session, we were both so drenched wet that our shirts looked like they were soaked in a bucket of water! I changed shirt at the yoga studio though, because I did not want to stink her car with my sweat.

During the yoga session, I noticed how surprising with how much energy she has, considering the fact that the hours she spends doing surgery at the hospital is pretty brutal.

But for what it's worth, I am happy that she shares similar passions for bouldering, hiking, and yoga!

So after showering at her place, I asked her if she wanted to go to my alma mater's gym sometime next week, because over there we can do not just bouldering, but also swim afterwards.

She said she hasn't done swimming for a while, but she is definitely interested in going bouldering and swimming together, so this is something I am looking forward to!

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on Rock climbing for the first time

Last Friday I went bouldering and rock climbing at the climbing gym where I have a membership, and Kristin came with me because I have a free guest pass.

For those who don't know, the difference between the two activities is that bouldering requires no ropes (done on a shorter wall) while rock climbing does (because it is done on a much taller wall).

It was Kristin's first time in bouldering, and to my surprise she was pretty good at it as a beginner. Then we went rock climbing.

To enter the rock climbing area and use the rope and harness, we needed to be instructed first on how to belay (because one person would need to be climbing while the other belays the rope from the bottom).

She was better at tying the knots because of her surgical skills. It was probably the most strenuous exercise I had done all year, but I'm glad I did it with her!

She is good with her hands.

The next day (Saturday) was another day where the climbing gym gave away free guest passes for members. I asked Kristin if she could come, but she said she couldn't because she had other appointments.

So I decided, on a whim, to see the musical Singin in the Rain by myself. It was a lovely musical, actually!

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on Weekends

Yesterday marked exactly one month after I started my new job near downtown, and I have a few things to write here.

My commute to and from the office takes around 35 to 45 minutes each time, and I tend to either go to the gym to exercise a bit after work, because sitting on the desk for eight hours could be so dull sometimes.

Since I work on a Monday to Friday schedule (7:30-16:30) now, I check my Weather app daily and constantly wish for a sunny day outside on the weekends.

Because there has been a string of rainy weekends lately.

Which sucks.

In another news, Madeline (my most recent crush) had been somewhat avoiding me lately, presumably because she is being betrothed by her parents to someone else from her home country (which I won't name here, but it does have a population of 1.5 billion).

I was surprised that someone as highly educated as she is prefers to follow the tradition of her parents, especially since she has graduated with a doctorate degree after nine years of education in two separate states in the U.S.

But hey, that's her choice.

I was planning to bake a cake for her 30th birthday (which falls on the week after Mother's Day)...

However, with the excuses she makes to not hang out with me anymore, I grow tired of pursuing her already.

I just shrug and move on.

Anyway, still glad I discovered a new passion for baking though...my parents and sister are definitely delighted to try out my (usually) tasty baking experiments!

And maybe....just maybe, one day I'll find a special someone to bake a surprise birthday cake for!

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So as of this point, I do not have a crush or love interest in anyone in particular.

For the first time since 2012, my heart is finally free from being hurt!

That being said, it is nice to finally have other friends to hang out with.

Just because I no longer hang out with Madeline does not mean I no longer look forward to my weekends.

If weather permits, I still hike with the hiking club every Saturday morning. Afterwards, I'd join some folks from the club hanging out at a nearby Starbucks.

The demographics of the hiking club tend to be 40 years old and above, so I do meet quite a sizable number of divorced people in our group.

It is amazing how much wisdom I gained by talking to some of them.

Maybe I'll share one of their stories in this blog sometime.

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Anyway, last weekend happened to be the nicest weekend I have had in a while.

I went with Kristin and her mother to see a live classical music concert near downtown.

Kristin's mother did not seem to be a huge fan of classical music, but she wanted to accompany us simply because she was visiting the U.S. for only a few weeks.

Kristin's family members live outside the country. And because of Kristin's work schedule at the hospital, her mother wants to maximize the time they spend with each other.

Kristin herself seemed to be very knowledgeable of classical composers despite barely playing a musical instrument, and I found myself impressed. Even her Spotify playlists were filled with classical music albums!

There is actually a reason why she knows so much about classical music, but I don't think I am at liberty to write down the things she told me (because it was a very personal reason). So I'll just leave it at that.

I'd love to go see a classical music concert with her again though.

So it is to my dismay that I found out that the Symphony Orchestra's season is coming to a close this week. They will commence their next season in September.

Oh well.

Nonetheless, this coming weekend the three of us are planning to go out again, to see the Asian food festival in downtown.

Unlike the previous years, I am looking forward to see this one because I finally have friends to go with, who happen to be people outside the family!

However, the weather forecast for this weekend does not seem good so far.

It is predicted to rain this coming Saturday and Sunday.

WHY.

I do hope that it would be limited to light showers only though...

Keeping my fingers crossed!

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on Productive Lent

Hope you had a very happy Easter, everyone!

This past Lent was....tough at first.

However, it had also been one of the most productive months in my life.

No kidding.


I did the following stuff:

1. joined more clubs than I could count, 
2. visited Mexico for three days,
3. got a new job with a career projection that matches my university degrees, 
4. got myself a new car,
5. broke the cycle of an odious addiction,
6. gained confidence in talking to strangers,
7. started new sports, and
8. tried baking

Every single one of them were impulsive decisions.

It was like I decided one day to just change my life trajectory into something totally different altogether.

Let me elaborate on some of them...

1. Joining clubs

I found a website online (not dating site/app) where I could find clubs and groups with people of like-minded interests.

There are two clubs that I have been attending somewhat religiously since mid-March: a French-speaking conversation group and a hiking club.

As for the other clubs, I only attend them whenever my schedule allows it.

2. Visited Mexico

It was an impulsive last-minute vacation trip. The buildup that led to this impulsive decision deserves a whole blog post of its own.

3. Got a new job

For this one, I did not expect to get the job.

I got the job offer through e-mail, and I just said, what the heck, might as well.

So I accepted the interview offer, half-expecting to fail it. 

Had I failed the interview, my plan was to leave the country to pursue Master's degree in Marseilles, France.

But hey, because of my nonchalant attitude, I came to the interview with a totally calm composure......and somehow I got the job.

So basically I started my foray into the world of 8-5 career job because of a relaxed attitude during interview.

Go figure.

4. Got myself a new car

It's a silver Honda Civic. Hurray for 5-year-contract!

5. Broke the cycle of an odious addiction

Because I don't know who might be reading this blog entry, I will not name what kind of addiction that had been plaguing me all these years.

(It's not drugs or alcohol though, in case you're wondering)

But last month, I just decided to suddenly quit cold turkey.

Just like that.

It has been more than six weeks since I quit this addiction, and though there had been temptations for me to go back into that cycle, two of my confidantes had been very helpful in supporting me constantly in this battle against my inner demons.

All of a sudden, I started having more time for things that actually do matter.

And I started meeting people who do matter.

Which brings me to point no. 6.....

6. Gained confidence

I wouldn't say that I turned into a charming Casanova overnight, because it certainly is a process.

I still am not a Casanova and have no intention to become one.

The thing is that: I was once an introvert who barely ever spoke two words to strangers unless they ask me a question.

Then, quitting my addiction from No.5 above also seemed to turn all the other "switches" in my brain from "OFF" into "ON" mode, especially in terms of confidence.

As of now, I am still a shy introvert.

But after meeting many new people in the clubs I attended, PLUS the fact that I had been able to quit my addiction, I have no problem in talking and connecting to people I meet for the first time.

Even with people I had almost nothing in common with.

One of the methods that seemed to work very well is to ask them open-ended questions (i.e. not seeking one-word answers). Once they start elaborating about their life details, I can usually find a connection that perhaps he/she and I share.

This method worked...really well....because I happened to find my new crush Madeline that way.

We just hung out one day after the club meeting.

While sitting on a park bench, she started sobbing while telling me about her relationship with her parents who live in a different country.

Upon her sudden outburst, I did not try to hug her or try to comfort her by doing anything physical because I had a feeling that her culture is not the hugging type.

But it was from that moment that I started having feelings for her.

Unfortunately, she would always remain merely a crush because there is no possibility of me ever dating her.

More on that next time.

7. Started totally new sports

I started by doing Aquaclimb. In case you don't know what that is, it looks like this:

Then I evolved into bouldering, which looks like this:

Of course I can't do the steep part of the bouldering like what that man in the picture is doing, but so far I have found the adrenaline rush to be a great "fix" to help distract my mind from my tempting addiction which sometimes still haunts me every once in a while.

For those who are unfamiliar, the difference between "bouldering" and "rock climbing" is the fact that the former does not use any ropes or rappels. Bouldering also tends to be done on shorter walls too.

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I also started snorkeling recently.

This was also partially inspired by Madeline.

Snorkeling will serve as a segue into the world of scuba diving, which is my actual goal (and hers too, coincidentally...)

I have inquired the local scuba diving school in Cincinnati for a four-week PADI scuba-diving certification course, and so far the earliest date I could join a class would be either June or July.

Which gives me plenty of time to practice my swimming skills.

We'll see.

8. Tried baking

I actually started this new hobby because I wanted to bake a cake for Madeline's 30th birthday in May.

Now that I know I have no prospect of dating her, I most likely will not bake her anything.

(Again, I will write about why it is so on a latter blog entry)

But along the way, I discovered that I like baking after all!

So far I have only baked:

• pouding chomeur
• matcha cookies
• coconut cookies
• coconut macaroon
• bibingka
• matcha steamed cakes
• chocolate steamed cakes

The only real full-sized cakes on the list above are the Canadian pouding chomeur and Filipino bibingka. 

All the rest are cookies or cupcakes.

Madeline did find it fascinating that I was able to not make a mess on my first attempts at baking (she only saw pictures but did not get to taste though).

It was an encouragement that really made my weekend.

But anyway, this is a skill I never knew I would ever end up liking!

I started the learning experience to impress a crush but end up sticking to it as a hobby, even if my original goal changed.

Oh well!

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on being grateful

At first, my folks told me to be grateful that I did not move to southern US, and I found this bitter truth hard to swallow.

I mean, why??? Why do I have to stay here in Cincinnati area when I had been planning to move for so long???

I woke up each morning with cold sweat on my back, wishing for a past that no longer matters.

Trying yoga helped to a certain extent, but when I was struck by bitterness and hurt that was so deep, sometimes even the best intentions failed to heal the pain in my heart.

Until one day, I found a reason to look forward to a new day each morning.

I am grateful for the new job that God had granted to me.

I am grateful for the new perspectives in life that I had gained after everything was said and done.

I am grateful that I had a chance to meet new folks to practice my small talk and confidence for the past two weeks.

And most of all, I am grateful that I chose to stay here in Cincinnati.

Otherwise, I would not have met you here :)

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